You want to get emotionally close to your partner but when you get closer you get scared. When this happens you push your partner away or pull yourself away. Then you feel lonely and long again for closeness and will repeat this in a continuous push-pull cycle.
Is this push-pull cycle familiar to you?
Do you want to break this cycle but you don’t know how?
If you recognise this push-pull cycle, don’t worry, there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
This is a pattern that you may have had for a long time and it is possible to change. Often these patterns develop in early childhood to cope with a difficult situation. So do remember that it is happening for a very good reason as it kept you safe.
And there are things you can do to start changing the pattern.
Steps you can take
Recognising that you really want to have a close connection emotionally but that this also brings up fear in you is a great first step. Being gentle with yourself as you notice this push-pull pattern will give you more space and this helps you to be more relaxed.
It helps to focus on all the things in your life that are going well, rather than always paying attention to the things that don’t seem to be going well. Noticing the positive things will help you to feel more positive.
Maybe there is someone in your life now or in the past that you felt close to and trusted. Take some time to think about them and how they impacted you. Notice what you experience now when you bring this person to mind. You may feel more warmth in your body, feel more relaxed or your breathing is getting deeper. Whatever your experience is stay with it a little longer and allow it to settle in you.
Why is connection so challenging?
It may be that early in life you didn’t get the emotional connection that you needed. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were not loved, but that for whatever reason your parents or caregivers were not able at the time to support you emotionally. Maybe they went through difficulties in their lives at the time which they didn’t know how to deal with. Because they went through stressful situation and lacked support they were unable to meet your emotional needs.
If you and your mother couldn’t be together after you were born, for whatever reasons, then it may have been harder to to have gotten the connection you needed.
This is not to say that everyone who went through a similar situation is necessarily struggling with making emotionally close connections.
Everyone is different and every situation is unique to each individual and so it all depends on each individual person.
Some other things that people who find emotional closeness challenging may struggle with
- Feel like you never fit in
- Feel like you are always on the outside looking in
- Burden on others
- Feel shame about needing anything from anyone
- Withdraw in emotionally disturbing situations
- Tend to relate in an intellectual way rather than a feeling way
- Fear being alone and feel easily overwhelmed by others
The above steps can help to initiate changes. However if you feel you need more support I am happy to talk to you and find out more about you.
I offer a free consultation during which we can explore what you want for yourself and , what the challenges are and what I offer.