Why you can’t stop watching for signs something is wrong

Many people can sense when something changes in a relationship before a single word is spoken.

It may be a look, a different tone or less warmth between you. Maybe they seem quieter when coming home from work, take longer to respond to messages or seem distracted at dinner time.

You find yourself suddenly trying to repair the connection by trying harder, putting more effort in and making it Ok for your partner. All the while you feel this sense of threat internally.

You stay watchful and alert to all the subtle cues from your partner to figure out where the relationship is at.

Over time this is exhausting and leaves you feeling tired and wired.

This leads to you becoming more easily irritable, causing friction between you and making you feel more anxious about the relationship.

Slowly the relationship is taking all your attention and it leaves you more on edge and less connected to yourself.

If this sounds familiar you may wonder why something as seemingly small as a look can have such an impact.

It’s not because your reaction is irrational but because for you connection feels tied deeply to safety. In that case it makes total sense that it feels threatening when your partner seems colder and more distant, even when you know they love you.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that there is something wrong in your relationship. It may mean that early experiences have wired your nervous system to be on alert for any signs of potential threat to the connection. 

Your reactions to this potential threat are often so quick that they seem automatic. You may not notice them happening and you’re ‘in it’ before you know it.

What to do next

The first step is to notice that your attention has completely shifted to your partner. You could gently ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What do I need? This brings your attention back to you.

Something is activating that threat response and often it isn’t only what your partner is doing in the present moment.

Take a moment and reflect on what it is that makes you feel less close and less safe in your relationship.