Do you ever feel that you disappear in your relationship?

You are sitting together watching your favourite series but inside you feel miles away.

You try so hard to be close and feel connected. You do what your partner enjoys to please them but it hasn’t changed you feeling lonely.

You slowly feel you lose yourself and it feels hard to know what you need and want.

If this is your experience, you are definitely not alone. Over the last month I have been in various different settings where I heard several people say exactly this.

It made me aware that this is a much more common situation than I had realised.

So why do so many feel they disappear inside their relationship? 

One reason can be people pleasing. You focus mainly on your partner, on their likes and dislikes, wants and needs.

Of course, caring about your partner is not a problem. It often means you are sensitive, thoughtful and attentive. But when your focus is mainly on them, you can slowly lose connection with yourself.

I notice this from my clients who are in this situation. When I ask them about their experience they quickly start to talk about their partner instead. It can be difficult for them to notice what they feel and need themselves.

Over time this can leave you feeling unseen and unheard in the relationship, even when your partner cares deeply about you.

This can feel incredibly lonely.

Underneath this pattern is often a deep fear hat if you stop putting your partner first, you may lose the relationship.

This usually begins so subtly that you barely notice it happening. This is not conscious. Most people are not actively thinking this way. It is typically an old pattern that was established long ago and now repeats automatically. 

The first step to changing this dynamic it to simply become aware of it.

As you begin to notice this pattern with more compassion and curiosity, it becomes possible to create a relationship where both matter equally. 

Have you ever noticed yourself disappearing in order to keep a relationship safe?

 

 

With thanks to Bruce Mars for the photo.