Stacey felt frustrated and ashamed with herself. She knew what had happened in her family growing up – but she still couldn’t make the changes she wanted in her life.

She understood her parents had been very unpredictable and angry, which left Stacey feeling insecure, avoiding conflict and trying to please – especially in her love relationship.

But knowing this didn’t change it for her.

She isn’t the only only one.

I hear this from so many clients.

Maybe you know this too.

It is such a common experience, this gap between knowing and doing. And it is really frustrating to see you’re doing the unhelpful thing.

People often think that if they just understand their early life experiences, things will shift, things will get better.

“If I can see the problem clearly, I should be able to change it.”

We all know that eating fresh food, getting enough sleep and exercise is good for us. Yet how many of us struggle to make those changes?

Simply knowing about your trauma won’t shift the behaviours and strategies you’ve learned to survive those early life difficulties.

However frustrating it may be to still behave in old and unhelpful ways, it is not a personal failure.

Our early coping behaviours are deeply ingrained, often automatic and were once necessary for our survival. The people pleasing, perfectionism, avoidance strategies as well as shutting down emotions.

Shaming yourself for not being able to shift these because you know what happened doesn’t help – it makes you feel worse about yourself.

Real change happens when we look at those patters more closely – the strategies we’ve carried for years and what’s underneath them.

That’s where the possibility for more meaningful and fulfilling relationships opens up.

What old strategies do you find yourself leaning on, even when they no longer serve you?